Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Am I the only one that cares? I hate this...

Lately, there's been too much of this

I feel like crap!

Wow...I can blog while being in my room!

Thinking things I shouldn't think...
wondering bout what could've been...
thinking things I'd rather not to think...

'I look at her and I know I love her. I know she doesn't trust me all the way and that she's constantly wondering when I'm gonna turn back to the old me, but she can't seem to understand that person is dead. He died the moment I lay eyes on her. And yes, she's moody and talkative and sometimes annoying, but she makes me laugh and she understands me. I love her and I wish she could see that. I love playing with her hair and the way it feels when I feel her arms around me. I just wish she could give into it and realize that she can enjoy moments like that without being paranoid, because hurting her is the last thing I want to do in this world.'

100th entry...a new head shot and a happy writer for now :)

Te veo y siento que muero. Veo lo que sos, en lo que te convertiste, y siento que no te conozco más. ¿Cómo llegaste a eso? ¿Cuándo te rendiste? Siento que te pierdo, que estoy lejos y mis piernas de repente empiezan a temblar. Quiero sacudirte y sacarte de ese estado constante de inconsciencia en el que estás. Veo como pasas cada día sin que nada te importe, y no entiendo. No entiendo cómo pudiste haber perdido tus convicciones de tal manera, no entiendo cómo la persona que yo conocía y amaba se perdió tan rápido. Hay muchas cosas en esta vida que no entiendo: la manera en que pasa el tiempo, pasándole por encima a la gente, es una de ellas. Juro que intento pero no logro comprender cómo puede ser que un amor tan profundo se convierta en un odio extremo como el que siento cada vez que te recuerdo. Mi estomago se retuerce al pronunciar tu nombre, el simple pensamiento de tu imagen me repugna. Te odio, te odio y mil veces más te odio. Aún así, más odio al tiempo que te cambió…o me cambió.
Siento que te perdí, y me duele, pero a veces siento que me saqué un peso de encima. Dejé atrás a una persona que me lastimaba, que me arrastraba día tras días y que lentamente me quitaba mi posibilidad de elegir lo que yo quería. Estaba ciega y, lamentablemente, hoy debo admitir que lo estuve durante mucho tiempo. Años al lado tuyo, lastimándome, lastimándote. Y esto lo digo ahora; años atrás, te hubiese dicho que estabas loca si me decías que hoy te iba a estar negando.
A veces duele, lo sé. Todavía me acuerdo de vos con una sonrisa amarga y dulce a la vez. Pienso en las risas, los buenos momentos, las salidas y los pensamientos delirantes a las dos de la mañana y considero que capaz no todo fue tan malo como hoy lo siento. Después me acuerdo de lo malo, del dolor, del daño que causaste en mí y en otros, y me alegro. Me alegro de haberte dejado atrás, de estar peleando día a día por olvidarte, por estar ganando la batalla constante. Me alegro de estar feliz, de la gente que me rodea en mi vida, de haber mejorado, de haberle ganado a los obstáculos.
Te gané, me gané, y eso es algo que no muchos pueden decir. Y ahora puedo decir con una gran sonrisa de oreja a oreja que estoy bien y en un buen lugar en la vida. Tres años, casi cuatro… ¿Qué tanta gente puede decir que ganó contra malos hábitos? ¿Qué tanta gente puede decir que le ganó a su conciencia?

Having a steady job is one of the best things that have happened to me and one of the worst at the same time. Oh my God! So many things going through my mind right now!!!

Some times, I feel like hell with myself. I know this isn't the first time I blog about this, but in the past, I've talked many times about me being unhappy with the kind of person I am...this time, it's different. Lately I've been feeling like I'm doing all the right things regarding the person I should become and wanna be in terms of personality...I like my job -as much as anybody can like their job-, I feel comfortable trying to get in to the college I really wanna be in...I like the people that surround me and the things I'm finally achieving...still, when I look at myself in the mirror, something's missing. It's like I see the person that is so happy with her life, so happy with her friends and family and stuff, but so unhappy with the body that she sees. For a while, I was feeling great about myself...losing weight and all that...now, even if I lose a couple of kilos, I feel even worse than before and I see myself no better. It's hard battling these kinds of fights all the time against yourself.
The other day, I was out with one of my best friends and we were talking about life and all sorts of things, and suddenly I brought out to the conversation the fact that I feel my past is constantly haunting me and will never get off my back. It's sick, and even if I want to deny it...I know I should talk to someone, a professional or something, about it because I'm not supposed to be feeling like not eating for a couple of days to lose that extra weight. I love my boyfriend (I love you!), but sometimes, it's really hard to admit it even to him (I'm sorry) because I know that it might hurt him and concern him.
I'm not saying I'm starving myself or making me sick after eating all day long...so far, I'm winning that battle and I plan on keep winning it...still, it tempts me sometimes.
Anyways, don't get me wrong, I'm still happy about my life and stuff...just a little down when it's almost two a.m and I'm left to thinking things on my own. This is only a way to vent...I rather doing this than hurting myself (At least I know that I'm not that twisted because I keep thinking like that and realizing what's good and what's not).
Bye, and whatever...

It's so crazy to dream about things for months and finally seeing them come true in front of your eyes..today I'm not writing from my regular desktop, but from my lovely and new notebook I bought on my own -well, kinda because my mom had to lend me a couple of bucks- and I couldn't be more excited. Typing with this keyboard is really weird, but you know what? It's even weirder knowing that I could finally gather enough money to but it and now I can do whatever I want. I already put a password for this account, and nobody but me will be able to use it without my persmission. Plus, the thing that excites me the most is that I can lie in bed at night and write being locked in my room if and whenever I feel inspired or just watch a movie right before I go to sleep. Next thing I'm gonna spend my money on: a camera :) a brand new and beautiful JVC that will open many many doors for me and my imagination. Yeay for being a slave to the gringos for a couple of months...I can endure it if I know the rewards are like these...right?
anyways, with a huge smile on my face (and practically having my heart on my hands because I'm waiting for my boyfriend to come and I keep hearing blasting sounds coming from the street) I say goodbye :)

getting paid is one of the best things

Oh! and I've decided to buy a couple of movie posters to get framed and get on my wall, so I'm really excited about that =D

I realized that most of my posts here and rather upsetting or written with a sad note, so this might come up as a surprise, but I have great and happy news!!! I finally got to know for the first time in my whole life what it's like to be at the beach!!! I finally convinced my folks to let me have a weekend trip with my boyfriend and see the beach for the first time, and it was reaaaally worth the while! I had such a great time there...I swam, I burried my boyfriend in the sand, we made a castle which stood strong until midnight and so many other cool things.
To be honest, it came as a great surprise when my mom told me that I could go and that this time wasn't going to be a problem with my dad -because I've tried them to let me in the past, but both times he told me I couldn't because I was too young and all that-...but this time, given the fact that it is MY money, I'm eighteen and the situation isn't at all good for him to be prohibiting things to me, they told me "yes" and I went and I had a really nice time...
Even if it didn't end up being what I had expected, because I couldn't find a hotel to stay at and ended up sleeping at the house my boyfriend and his friends had rented, it was great...for the second time in my life, I had the greatest experience waking up by his side :)

I close my eyes and I try to think of something. I press my lids tightly together and try hard to come up with some grand thought that will put me out of my misery and frustration, but I end up with nothing. All I see is myself lying on my bed, listening to the ticking sound of my wrist watch pressed against my left ear and the annoying noise coming from my almost broken fan next to me. I try to be deep, to think of something meaningful, but nothing. I write what's happening and love the sound of the pen caressing the paper, but nothing good comes out of it. My heart is beating and I can hear it pounding against my chest as I grow more and more frustrated by my hopeless efforts to write something. I hate it when this happens. Have *you* ever tried to put your thoughts and feelings into words but ended up with nothing worth the efforts? Of course you have, but it's never this bad. I'm a writer, or at least I try to be...and when this happens, it's like the worst thing that could happen. All the time, as I walk down the street, staring strangely at the people walking past me, I come up with witty sentences and conversations that would make a great story, but when I set myself in front of my computer or my notepad, my whole mind's a blank. The words are gone, the smart remarks and bright conversations are not there anymore; the colorful characters died or something, but they are not there. So I fight myself and I try to bring them out again, but they fight even stronger than me to keep themselves locked inside my head, tucked away in some dark corner of my mind...ashamed or scared to get out.
I miss the feeling of listening to my own words being read once a story is finished. I miss feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted off my back once I put the final dot on the last page on my last line. I miss typing non-stop, words popping up unexpectedly inside my head, making every sentence worth remembering, every line worth reading.
I hate being the way I am, but at the same time love it as much as I can. It's a passionate hatred the one I feel for my characters. The kind of hate driven by the envy that I feel for every person that lives on my stories because they get to share a moment, a page, a line, a word with every single one of them. I love them to the point where it makes no sense at all and where I become them, and they are me, but they are something I could never even dream of becoming myself. I envy them because they live things I'd be too afraid of living, and I pity them because they get to suffer things I wouldn't ever want to suffer. They are the best and the worst I can come up with, the kind of people I would love to have around at this time of my life and the kind of monsters I would never want to deal with. I live and breath their feelings, I suffer along with them, I laugh at their jokes and have fun when they smile. I get excited when they get their big chance, I love when they love and I hate the people that hurt them. It's a strange relationship, a sick and twisted one sometimes. Still, sometimes, they offer me some sort of comfort and peace that most people cannot give me.

Today was great...so many good things happened at the same time and now I can really go to sleep with a smile on my face. I started my day with a visit to the place where my sister works, where I bought her a ticket to go to the beach with my boyfriend two weeks from now, and as soon as I had them in my hands, it brightened up my day. Then, we decided to go to Starbucks for a frappuchino and went to the mall, where we first had a Dulce de Leche frappuchino and a Mocha Blanco frap...and then, we went to a store and I found a dvd of Fight Club and said "OMG I can't not buy it!!!!" and bought it...we walked around for a while, bought a set of dvds for my sister and then started walking downtown in order to catch the bus that takes us back home...on our way there, we saw a center that usually has this cool courses (one of them is the one I wanted to take back in august but I couldn't because I couldn't afford it back then) and I saw one I really really wanted to take, which is a four-week course on movies direction. In the end, we got on the bus and got off a couple of blocks away from my house and decided we wanted to become members of a videoclub there, and we ended up renting "Slumdog millionaire" (which is good, but sad, and ugly and happy at the same time). Once we were home, we checked online to see about the courses we had seen, and I found out that the one I want to take is only 95 pesos (and now I can afford it!) and starts on november 17th from 8 to 10 at night on Wednesdays..which is great because I get off from work just at that time, and I'm not that far, and my university is only on Tuesdays and Thursdays...so it doesn't clash with any of it! And in addition to all that, I've been happy all day long because my boyfriend starts his journey back home tomorrow and I'm gonna see him soon.
I hope many many more days like today are in store for this summer!
Oh, and I start taking calls this Monday, and I'm really freaked out and excited at the same time about it! And today I found out that an ex class mate of mine starts working there too (still, I'm not so happy about that because I don't really like him at all...but it's kinda funny)...
Anyways...byeeee :)

On a much happier note...today I got paid :)

There are soooooooooooooooooo many things going through my mind right now...and half of them are insults.
How can people be so stupid?? I know he's my brother and all, but...c'mon!!

I WANNA SIT DOWN AND BE ABLE TO WRITE! I HATE IT WHEN MY HEAD GOES OFF