Have you ever wondered what your special talent is? Like, what are you supposed to do that will set you apart from all other men? The other day I was talking to a friend of mine about this and chatting about my inability of finding my "gift", and she said to me that life has a way of making you know what you're supposed to do. She told me that, one way or the other, she was always inclined to photography, and that life went on in a way that all the events formed a chain which led her to make her dream come true. Now I'm wondering...what is my dream? Well, actually, what has always been my dream? Ever since I can recall, I've liked movies and the whole idea of becoming a film director, but I've also been very into writing. Is one of those my gift? How am I supposed to know? My friend told me that I have it easy with languages, but I don't consider that a gift...it's my calling, okay. I know for a fact that English is something that I absolutely love, but it took me a lot of practice to get to where I am, and I don't consider that a gift. Can one have a thing for what they are really good at to work, and one thing in which they are really good at to live? All I know is that, ever since I was a small child, I used to sit and write stupid stories with things that I considered absolutely awesome...I would love to think of that as a gift, a special thing that makes me be 'me'...but, is it? Am I really the one to judge that? Shouldn't somebody else tell me if that's my gift or not? Because actually saying "Oh, I'm a really good writer and that's my special gift" would be really conceited of me...and I truly believe there are a lot of good writers out there, but there are also a lot of bad writers that go around saying to themselves that they are good at it. How can I know in which group I fit in? Life is complicated...even more so if you spend your afternoon reading parts of "the last lecture" by Randy Pausch and you feel as existentialist as I feel right now. Some times I really think we should come with a handbook...even if it takes half the fun away.



Side note: the photo is a photo of a French homework my boyfriend was making like two years ago...but it fitted the topic.

Random thoughts can be the absolute best...

"It is knowledge alone that gives us freedom. I believe that the very grooves in which our lives run are created by our feeling, imagination and will. If we know and then make the effort, we change our lives[...] You will not understand that life is penetrated through and through by our feeling, imagination and will. In the end the whole universe must respond to every real effort we make. We each live a fairy tale created by ourselves[...]"
"I think what I've resented the most is that the only wisdom we have is wisdom after the event. We learn, but always too late. When I was no longer a boy, I knew at last what sort of boy I ought to have been. By the time we are forty, we know how to behave at twenty. Always too late. So that the little wisdom we get is useless to us."
-I have been here before by J.B Priestley

I'm thinking...as my next year's new year's eve resolutions, I should try not to complain so much about things and be a little bit more patient...Still, I know there's no chance of me accomplishing that

Nothing like waking up on your own...without the interruption of an alarm clock or my niece :)
finally rested

I'm starting to believe that life is against my being asleep. I've just been woken up by my three-year-old niece crying and now I can't go to sleep anymore. The worse thing is that she wasn't even crying over something important...she just woke up in tears, asked for her sister, turned around and went to sleep once again. Oh, how I wish I could do the same.

I'm sleepy and tired and I can't even stay up for too long or I fall. Lately, when I get up, my eyes go blind and everything's a blur and then I start to fall (no kidding). I feel like I'm asking my body too much. Sometimes, I even forget how to say some words. I don't want this. I need new holidays! I need a break. My back aches and I can barely move my neck. I fall asleep during classes or when I'm watching TV. I've taken up too many things. I want to sleep; a nap, at night, on the bus...wherever, whenever. I don't want to feel this numb.

Sometimes I wonder if there's anybody out there who has the same twisted take on life that I have...

I hate hating the reflection in the mirror...

Life is great when you face it with a smile in your face :)


just wanted to say that...I think it's a good reason to sign in, right?

I just hate it when people are hypocrites; they ask and ask and ask, but do they ever give back?

'How could you do it, Erin?' he said. He was gasping for air and his heart was almost pounding out of his chest. 'How could you turn your back on me so easily? What the heck happened to all the sweet things you told me you felt about me? Were those words so light that were swept away by the wind?'
'David, don't'
'Don't what? Don't start talking non-sense about my cheating-ass girlfriend? I fucking deserve an explanation.' he said, enraged, and paused.'Why d'you do it, Erin? Did you see something in him that I couldn't give you? Was that it?'
'It's not that easy.' she answered.
'It is that easy, Erin! It is! Was he better than me? Was that why you did it? Did he fuck you better? Gentler?'
'Don't treat me like that' she plead.
'If you act like a slut, I'm gonna treat you as a slut.'
'I'm not a slut! I didn't do it because I was in the mood and you weren't around, and there he was...'
'Oh, that's good to know; so you didn't climb up his pants merely because you felt like it. Do you love him?'
'I love you'
'If this is the way you act with someone you love, I wouldn't wanna be in your hatred list, then.'
'Shut up! You talk and talk, and point the finger at me, but you don't realize that it isn't all my fault.'
'Right; so I pushed you off to his bed, then?'
'You did push me, David. Every time something happened, you pushed me away. You'd never talk about your family, about you're life...you wouldn't even tell me why the fuck you felt like having a tattoo done. It isn't healthy.'
'So I have my demons.'
'So do I.'
'That's not an excuse, Erin'
'I'm not trying to excuse myself. I'm just saying that it takes two to tango...'
'Yes...you and Aiden, apparently.'
'Fuck you.'
'You wanna know about my life? Is that so goddamn important to you? Okay, here it is: the reason why I find it so fucking hard to open up, is because I was abused as a child. Yeah, that's right. The reason why my dear old daddy went to jail was because he used to use me as his own private punching bag every time something went wrong in his life. So excuse me if I have some baggage at this point of my life.'
'I had no idea...'
'No, you didn't. Because I didn't see the need to drag you into such a nightmare with me. And you wanna know why I shut myself out last month? Because a letter came in the mail, one that my father wrote to me before hanging himself in his cell, telling me how sorry he was for having hit me and punched me and left me scared for life.'
The room was suddenly filled with an uncomfortable silence between them. David was practically into tears, and Erin was trying to find the best suiting words to say next. Suddenly, he continued.
'So, is that it? Oh, no...I'm forgetting about my fucking tattoo. I had it done two years after my dad went to jail; once I had put it behind and was actually proud for having sent him away. Each fucking star is meant to represent the things I've overcome, the things he made me feel: vulnerable, impotent, sad, messed up...and dead.'

Sometimes, when you're standing at a crossroads and you're wondering which way to go, and it's too hard to make up your mind, because there are good things waiting for you at both ends, you find out that all the doubting has been in vain, because life ends up choosing for you the best path...without you even knowing. And most of the times, it makes you down, and you're pissed because you think it's the worst way things could've gone...but then years go by, and you see the light and you understand how wrong you were and how bad it would've been if you yourself had chosen the way. Because you see that objectivity was way beyond reach, and that maybe you would've turned left when you should've gone straight ahead...and all for nothing, all in vain...because you see now that you would have turned for them. So be careful and think things through. Don't miss the train, at least not twice. Open your god forsaken eyes and see the truth; watch out for those who are there to harm you, and search for those who truly care about you. Sometimes it's hard, I know..but if you don't do it, you'll soon find yourself in a whole; one you've dug yourself alone. Trust me, I know.

Isn't it funny how fast we grow up and how strangely we do so? Oh...changes :)

I was just thinking about something, and after a while of speaking to myself aloud, I realized something rather creepy...
2006 was a tough year for me...but until now, I hadn't ever realized that I don't a have a single good memory of that year...If I close my eyes and try hard enough, I can think of a good memory or a smile that happened some other year, but no matter how hard I try, not a hint of a smile comes up throughout the course of 2006. If I think about it, everything that pops up is pain,tears, blood and pills and "suffering" that could've been avoided...but not one single smile...Every time I'm close to remembering a good moment, I realize that it either had bad consequences or that it was a fake smile to cover up the tears...It's so sick to think about it, but it is the truth...I feel like I've lost a whole year of my life and I can't do anything about it...I wish I could remember one single genuine smile during that year...but I can't find one. Every thing is anger or pain or jealousy...

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands :)

For god's sake...I just hate the people I'm related to sometimes...they never seize to disappoint me.

ME WANTS SLEEP

I had completely forgotten what it was like to wake up early to go to university...and then stay UP for the rest of the day...
Classes started again today, and it was nice to go back and see the people and speak in English and all that...but I'll miss the late nights with my boyfriend and staying up late and sleeping in every day...oh well, that's life I guess.
On the plus side, I won an auction today and now I'm the proud owner of 50 empty dvd boxes...

Yesterday I was saying to me that I had something really important to say....but I forgot. Still, I wanted to put it in writing that I had a pretty good thought...too bad I can't remember it.

History is a funny thing, you know...Just now I was watching a movie -the history boys- and, at one point, they mention the term of "subjunctive history"...and now that I come to think of it, it's a great way of referring to history. Of course, there are people that are more inclined to believing in a thing such as fate, but I, for once, was convinced by this term.
A while back (like three years ago) I wrote in my fotolog page a whole theory -or shall I say reflexion- based on the existence of fate by raising the question of what would happen if you turned left at one corner, losing the chance of meeting the love of your life who you would've met if you turned right or kept walking forwards. This is the whole idea of subjunctive history: the "what if"s that exist and could've changed the course of our lives. So call it subjunctive history or call it "turning points", either way we are referring to the same thing...and I'm not only talking about history as regarding to our country's history or Henry the eighth and all that...I'm also talking about our own subjunctive history...what would have happened today if I had turned left in a corner I turned right? what would have happened if I hadn't ignored the msn conversation of the couple of people who talked to me today? How can I be so god damn sure that by changing those things that I didn't do, I wouldn't change what is going to happen tomorrow? All that sounds a bit extreme, right? How can a stupid msn conversation be a turning point to anyone?; but just think about it. Let's take a more radical example to make it more "real": a man goes 90 km/h on an avenue riding his motorcycle (and let's ignore the fact that he's doing an illegal and stupid thing) and when he decides to turn on the next corner, the motorcycle slips, he falls and dies. Now, let's just say as well that the reason why he was speeding was that his wife had just sent him a text message saying that she was having an emergency, begging him to come immediately, so he turned right as a shortcut to get to the same place he could have reached by continuing forwards. What would have happened if he hadn't turned? Does "fate" truly exist? Would that man meet death as well by not turning right? Or would he reach his home and his wife safe and sound, without even knowing the risks of going a different way?
All crap, I know...but it makes sense...At one point of the film, one says that "history is simply one fucking thing after the other". Is he right? Or is history a sequence or chain of connected events that couldn't had been any different? And if so, if history makes so much sense and you can't really prevent things, why do we have so many "what if"s? Can we really choose whether to turn right or continue forwards?


Made any sense? Got the idea? I know that in my head, it all makes perfect sense...