'I look at her and I know I love her. I know she doesn't trust me all the way and that she's constantly wondering when I'm gonna turn back to the old me, but she can't seem to understand that person is dead. He died the moment I lay eyes on her. And yes, she's moody and talkative and sometimes annoying, but she makes me laugh and she understands me. I love her and I wish she could see that. I love playing with her hair and the way it feels when I feel her arms around me. I just wish she could give into it and realize that she can enjoy moments like that without being paranoid, because hurting her is the last thing I want to do in this world.'

100th entry...a new head shot and a happy writer for now :)

Te veo y siento que muero. Veo lo que sos, en lo que te convertiste, y siento que no te conozco más. ¿Cómo llegaste a eso? ¿Cuándo te rendiste? Siento que te pierdo, que estoy lejos y mis piernas de repente empiezan a temblar. Quiero sacudirte y sacarte de ese estado constante de inconsciencia en el que estás. Veo como pasas cada día sin que nada te importe, y no entiendo. No entiendo cómo pudiste haber perdido tus convicciones de tal manera, no entiendo cómo la persona que yo conocía y amaba se perdió tan rápido. Hay muchas cosas en esta vida que no entiendo: la manera en que pasa el tiempo, pasándole por encima a la gente, es una de ellas. Juro que intento pero no logro comprender cómo puede ser que un amor tan profundo se convierta en un odio extremo como el que siento cada vez que te recuerdo. Mi estomago se retuerce al pronunciar tu nombre, el simple pensamiento de tu imagen me repugna. Te odio, te odio y mil veces más te odio. Aún así, más odio al tiempo que te cambió…o me cambió.
Siento que te perdí, y me duele, pero a veces siento que me saqué un peso de encima. Dejé atrás a una persona que me lastimaba, que me arrastraba día tras días y que lentamente me quitaba mi posibilidad de elegir lo que yo quería. Estaba ciega y, lamentablemente, hoy debo admitir que lo estuve durante mucho tiempo. Años al lado tuyo, lastimándome, lastimándote. Y esto lo digo ahora; años atrás, te hubiese dicho que estabas loca si me decías que hoy te iba a estar negando.
A veces duele, lo sé. Todavía me acuerdo de vos con una sonrisa amarga y dulce a la vez. Pienso en las risas, los buenos momentos, las salidas y los pensamientos delirantes a las dos de la mañana y considero que capaz no todo fue tan malo como hoy lo siento. Después me acuerdo de lo malo, del dolor, del daño que causaste en mí y en otros, y me alegro. Me alegro de haberte dejado atrás, de estar peleando día a día por olvidarte, por estar ganando la batalla constante. Me alegro de estar feliz, de la gente que me rodea en mi vida, de haber mejorado, de haberle ganado a los obstáculos.
Te gané, me gané, y eso es algo que no muchos pueden decir. Y ahora puedo decir con una gran sonrisa de oreja a oreja que estoy bien y en un buen lugar en la vida. Tres años, casi cuatro… ¿Qué tanta gente puede decir que ganó contra malos hábitos? ¿Qué tanta gente puede decir que le ganó a su conciencia?

Having a steady job is one of the best things that have happened to me and one of the worst at the same time. Oh my God! So many things going through my mind right now!!!

Some times, I feel like hell with myself. I know this isn't the first time I blog about this, but in the past, I've talked many times about me being unhappy with the kind of person I am...this time, it's different. Lately I've been feeling like I'm doing all the right things regarding the person I should become and wanna be in terms of personality...I like my job -as much as anybody can like their job-, I feel comfortable trying to get in to the college I really wanna be in...I like the people that surround me and the things I'm finally achieving...still, when I look at myself in the mirror, something's missing. It's like I see the person that is so happy with her life, so happy with her friends and family and stuff, but so unhappy with the body that she sees. For a while, I was feeling great about myself...losing weight and all that...now, even if I lose a couple of kilos, I feel even worse than before and I see myself no better. It's hard battling these kinds of fights all the time against yourself.
The other day, I was out with one of my best friends and we were talking about life and all sorts of things, and suddenly I brought out to the conversation the fact that I feel my past is constantly haunting me and will never get off my back. It's sick, and even if I want to deny it...I know I should talk to someone, a professional or something, about it because I'm not supposed to be feeling like not eating for a couple of days to lose that extra weight. I love my boyfriend (I love you!), but sometimes, it's really hard to admit it even to him (I'm sorry) because I know that it might hurt him and concern him.
I'm not saying I'm starving myself or making me sick after eating all day long...so far, I'm winning that battle and I plan on keep winning it...still, it tempts me sometimes.
Anyways, don't get me wrong, I'm still happy about my life and stuff...just a little down when it's almost two a.m and I'm left to thinking things on my own. This is only a way to vent...I rather doing this than hurting myself (At least I know that I'm not that twisted because I keep thinking like that and realizing what's good and what's not).
Bye, and whatever...

It's so crazy to dream about things for months and finally seeing them come true in front of your eyes..today I'm not writing from my regular desktop, but from my lovely and new notebook I bought on my own -well, kinda because my mom had to lend me a couple of bucks- and I couldn't be more excited. Typing with this keyboard is really weird, but you know what? It's even weirder knowing that I could finally gather enough money to but it and now I can do whatever I want. I already put a password for this account, and nobody but me will be able to use it without my persmission. Plus, the thing that excites me the most is that I can lie in bed at night and write being locked in my room if and whenever I feel inspired or just watch a movie right before I go to sleep. Next thing I'm gonna spend my money on: a camera :) a brand new and beautiful JVC that will open many many doors for me and my imagination. Yeay for being a slave to the gringos for a couple of months...I can endure it if I know the rewards are like these...right?
anyways, with a huge smile on my face (and practically having my heart on my hands because I'm waiting for my boyfriend to come and I keep hearing blasting sounds coming from the street) I say goodbye :)

getting paid is one of the best things