what if i decide to leave and be an au pair for a year?

I'm going all Heidi Klum (is that how you spell it?) about this...

I'm trying to be the person I really want to be...one step at a time...and this time, I'm going all Heidi Klum (is that how you spell it?) and documenting the whole journey with my new toy...

oh, and btw...I want to go to my roof one of these days and take these cool photos...

Oh, and by the way...I don't wanna go to work...




and I don't regret saying anything I've said today -so far-.

Can dreams be signals of what's about to happen or will happen in a future? If so, omg my life is about to get crazy...because I'll become a lieutenant and wear a viking armor...But I'd be so ok with that.

When you say best friends means friends forever....

and that is meant to apply to so much more than just friendship

I'm sorry things had to end like this. I really am. I hope you know that.

I close my eyes and there you are. The thought of you alone can drive me mad. The walls are closing in. My breath is running thin. My heart just skipped a beat. Fuck, better learn to live with it.

Tonight it's me against the walls

boxes

When is 'enough' enough? I feel like I've been pushing that limit for days... Have you ever felt scared of your own words? Tonight, I find myself reflecting about that. I feel like hell, as if I knew the answers to my questions already, but can't say them out loud. I hate this. That's a lie...I love this. I'm melodramatic, this is what I seek. All day, I search for drama, and maybe this is that. Maybe I'm overreacting, playing with scenarios that aren't even there. Maybe this fear is only here because I want it to be. How sick is that? Sick, of course...but true? Can it be? Can I be this messed up? I know it. I know the answers...I know the words...they'll come out and explode, I know. Can't stop it...can I? Of course I can, I'm the detonator...I'm making this worse.

I feel like the old 'me': looking for reasons to hold onto the pain, the whatever this is. I crave this kind of feelings, I create them.

Fuck! I need someone to understand this. I need distance from things and to feel them close as well. That's why I'm scared. I know the truth, I know what the future holds...but do I want it? What if I don't want to lie on the bed I've made?

Crap, not even the most innocent and lovely desire can pull me out of this one. Even THAT makes me doubt. My mind shouldn't be like this if it felt something different...does it make any sense? ANY SENSE AT ALL? Of course not... My mind's played out like that for a reason, I do it like that. I'm sick and twisted...I can't stop thinking about regret. Lack of it and it being more than enough...

I feel like cursing.

New layout

Oh, my god! I swear that there aren't enough words in the entire language to describe the way I feel right now...231 steps closer to my dream. My heart is pounding like crazy. I am speechless. Impulsive acts don't always lead you through the wrong path, remember!

I feel like CRAP

I promised I'd be back.

Normally, I wouldn't have sat down today and all, but the situation calls for it. Today, I found out a couple of my teachers at college are going on strike, so for the next few weeks, my Mondays will be a lot shorter -thanks to God-. So, given that today I DO have some spare time before I go to work, I figured I could finally sit and blog about....random stuff, as usual.

The day after tomorrow's my birthday, as I mentioned already, and I'm practically jumping up and down of excitement about this. It's funny because most people my age have suddenly grown out of the habit of celebrating their birthdays and seeing how fun it can be, but not me. I'm still much like a child in that aspect. I love seeing all my friends, eating cake, being a year older and, of course, presents. And this year, it's a bit different. For example, I´ve invited practically every one at my job to come (those who I like at least), and my friends from high school and a girl from my "ex-university"(?)...and my sister, but she's mean and she's not coming because she "has to work the following Sunday" ¬¬

So at least that causes me to smile for now...Apart from my birthday, I'm also happy because I'm doing good and I truly like the place I started studying this year. The teachers (although they don't like us to call them that way, but "professors" sounds way too absurd) are really cool and you can tell they know a lot. Just by listening to them you can fall in love with the language. It's reaaaaallly nice when you hear someone speaking PROPER english.

I'm also excited about a new "project" of mine...I've decided to call it "365 eyes"...A couple of years ago, I tried to do it, but eventually gave up because there was always something better, but now I really want to do it. Basically, it's about taking one single photograph every single day for 365 days (a year) that can show what is going on with you at that time being...Hopefully, this time I won't quit.

Well, there's not much more to say, so I'll be going now. I'll keep you posted about my college adventures and how my birthday goes...

OH!!! I forgot to mention that I'm planning on writing a story about a sociopath (is that how you write it?)...so, that will keep me bussy as well...

Now, I'm done...

See you or read you, or read me -or however you wanna put it- next time

Coming soon: 365 eyes...If I don't get bored, this time I'll actually do it.

Anyways, lately, I haven't been having so much time to spare and sing on and write a bunch of boring crap...but, don't get confused, I've got MANY things to say -as always-. One of these days, I'll sit down for a while, hopefully with a nice and hot Starbucks coffee, and write about everything, but don't hold your breath.

I turn 19 this wednesday and celebrate it on Saturday, so you can cross those days out...but I promise, I'll back with my usual random thoughts and comments, I swear.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Am I the only one that cares? I hate this...

Lately, there's been too much of this

I feel like crap!