Tales of Fake

Now I start a whole different entry because what I want to say has nothing to do with the things I said in the last one.
Today I spent my whole day thinking about my life -I know, how egocentric of me to do that- and I started asking myself what I wanted to make out of it. So my mind quickly was filled with dreams and fantasies and things that others may find stupid, but it was great for me...After all the thinking and questions I asked to myself, I found the answer to the question I've been asking myself for so many years: what will it take for me to be happy? I want to fulfill all those fantasies and dreams, and I know now that they are not so beyond my reach. Maybe some things ARE stupid even for me...but the more I think about some of them, the more they make sense to me...I want to be a teacher, that one we all know...but I also want to be a film maker.
For the past couple of days I've been thinking of Erin and David, two of my characters that I've fallen in love with (weird, ha?), and every time I close my eyes I picture the whole movie being screened on the back of my lids. I imagine the scene where they talk for the first time, when he buys her the coffee...I swear to god I see their faces and hear their voices...and I know it's crazy for me to expect to find the people that made me think of the characters, but I want to do it and I want to say to them : "look, dude, you were like an inspiration for me and you didn't even know it". Why do I want to do it? Because imagine how cool it would be for someone to approach you and tell you that you've changed their lives forever just by standing there. I would want to know it, even if it's as silly as what happened to me.
I know, I'm talking nonsense right now...but in my mind it makes soooooooooooooooo much sense. Even if it takes for me to live on the street and be broke half the time to pursue my dreams, I'm ready to do it. For years, the idea of studying direction has been on my mind and I've let others put that fire out and I really don't want to do it again. Teaching is what I want to do for a job...directing movies -or writing them- is what I want to do to feel complete with myself. Does it make ANY sense?
The other day I was talking to my sister in law and she was saying that everywhere she looked at, she saw the things through a camera lens, and as soon as she said that I could relate...because everywhere I look, I see a scene, something I could shoot if I had a camera.
Maybe it's a little late for new year's resolutions, but I didn't know them at the time and now I do: I want to follow that dream and exploit it, and I want to write the whole story I've made up in my mind for Erin and David.

And for those who care about what else I dreamt about all day, here it is: I thought about moving in with my boyfriend, about being happy and being a family together... I thought of spending the night with him for the first time...about being happy with my friends and be thirty and still hung out with them and laugh and be as silly as we are now....I dreamed about looking myself in the mirror and actually seeing a person I like, and now I know that is possible. It took me a long time to get to this place and, even though there are some things that aren't quite *there* yet, I know that if I put my mind to it, I will reach what I want to do.
Wow, I now realize that I'm sounding like a new age groupie with that whole "if you really want it, you can achieve your goal" crap, but I'm actually thinking that. Okay, it won't be handed in a silver platter, but if I keep trusting the girl I see in the mirror and listening to her, maybe I can get to the place I want to be at. Do you get where I'm going with this?
As a sum up (and this goes out for everyone that might get to this blog and read this and find themselves related with what I'm writing): don't let others choose your path, because you'll regret it some day. It happened to me, so believe my words.

Me :)