When you say best friends means friends forever....

and that is meant to apply to so much more than just friendship

I'm sorry things had to end like this. I really am. I hope you know that.

I close my eyes and there you are. The thought of you alone can drive me mad. The walls are closing in. My breath is running thin. My heart just skipped a beat. Fuck, better learn to live with it.

Tonight it's me against the walls

boxes

When is 'enough' enough? I feel like I've been pushing that limit for days... Have you ever felt scared of your own words? Tonight, I find myself reflecting about that. I feel like hell, as if I knew the answers to my questions already, but can't say them out loud. I hate this. That's a lie...I love this. I'm melodramatic, this is what I seek. All day, I search for drama, and maybe this is that. Maybe I'm overreacting, playing with scenarios that aren't even there. Maybe this fear is only here because I want it to be. How sick is that? Sick, of course...but true? Can it be? Can I be this messed up? I know it. I know the answers...I know the words...they'll come out and explode, I know. Can't stop it...can I? Of course I can, I'm the detonator...I'm making this worse.

I feel like the old 'me': looking for reasons to hold onto the pain, the whatever this is. I crave this kind of feelings, I create them.

Fuck! I need someone to understand this. I need distance from things and to feel them close as well. That's why I'm scared. I know the truth, I know what the future holds...but do I want it? What if I don't want to lie on the bed I've made?

Crap, not even the most innocent and lovely desire can pull me out of this one. Even THAT makes me doubt. My mind shouldn't be like this if it felt something different...does it make any sense? ANY SENSE AT ALL? Of course not... My mind's played out like that for a reason, I do it like that. I'm sick and twisted...I can't stop thinking about regret. Lack of it and it being more than enough...

I feel like cursing.

New layout

Oh, my god! I swear that there aren't enough words in the entire language to describe the way I feel right now...231 steps closer to my dream. My heart is pounding like crazy. I am speechless. Impulsive acts don't always lead you through the wrong path, remember!

I feel like CRAP

I promised I'd be back.

Normally, I wouldn't have sat down today and all, but the situation calls for it. Today, I found out a couple of my teachers at college are going on strike, so for the next few weeks, my Mondays will be a lot shorter -thanks to God-. So, given that today I DO have some spare time before I go to work, I figured I could finally sit and blog about....random stuff, as usual.

The day after tomorrow's my birthday, as I mentioned already, and I'm practically jumping up and down of excitement about this. It's funny because most people my age have suddenly grown out of the habit of celebrating their birthdays and seeing how fun it can be, but not me. I'm still much like a child in that aspect. I love seeing all my friends, eating cake, being a year older and, of course, presents. And this year, it's a bit different. For example, I´ve invited practically every one at my job to come (those who I like at least), and my friends from high school and a girl from my "ex-university"(?)...and my sister, but she's mean and she's not coming because she "has to work the following Sunday" ¬¬

So at least that causes me to smile for now...Apart from my birthday, I'm also happy because I'm doing good and I truly like the place I started studying this year. The teachers (although they don't like us to call them that way, but "professors" sounds way too absurd) are really cool and you can tell they know a lot. Just by listening to them you can fall in love with the language. It's reaaaaallly nice when you hear someone speaking PROPER english.

I'm also excited about a new "project" of mine...I've decided to call it "365 eyes"...A couple of years ago, I tried to do it, but eventually gave up because there was always something better, but now I really want to do it. Basically, it's about taking one single photograph every single day for 365 days (a year) that can show what is going on with you at that time being...Hopefully, this time I won't quit.

Well, there's not much more to say, so I'll be going now. I'll keep you posted about my college adventures and how my birthday goes...

OH!!! I forgot to mention that I'm planning on writing a story about a sociopath (is that how you write it?)...so, that will keep me bussy as well...

Now, I'm done...

See you or read you, or read me -or however you wanna put it- next time

Coming soon: 365 eyes...If I don't get bored, this time I'll actually do it.

Anyways, lately, I haven't been having so much time to spare and sing on and write a bunch of boring crap...but, don't get confused, I've got MANY things to say -as always-. One of these days, I'll sit down for a while, hopefully with a nice and hot Starbucks coffee, and write about everything, but don't hold your breath.

I turn 19 this wednesday and celebrate it on Saturday, so you can cross those days out...but I promise, I'll back with my usual random thoughts and comments, I swear.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Am I the only one that cares? I hate this...

Lately, there's been too much of this

I feel like crap!

Wow...I can blog while being in my room!

Thinking things I shouldn't think...
wondering bout what could've been...
thinking things I'd rather not to think...

'I look at her and I know I love her. I know she doesn't trust me all the way and that she's constantly wondering when I'm gonna turn back to the old me, but she can't seem to understand that person is dead. He died the moment I lay eyes on her. And yes, she's moody and talkative and sometimes annoying, but she makes me laugh and she understands me. I love her and I wish she could see that. I love playing with her hair and the way it feels when I feel her arms around me. I just wish she could give into it and realize that she can enjoy moments like that without being paranoid, because hurting her is the last thing I want to do in this world.'

100th entry...a new head shot and a happy writer for now :)

Te veo y siento que muero. Veo lo que sos, en lo que te convertiste, y siento que no te conozco más. ¿Cómo llegaste a eso? ¿Cuándo te rendiste? Siento que te pierdo, que estoy lejos y mis piernas de repente empiezan a temblar. Quiero sacudirte y sacarte de ese estado constante de inconsciencia en el que estás. Veo como pasas cada día sin que nada te importe, y no entiendo. No entiendo cómo pudiste haber perdido tus convicciones de tal manera, no entiendo cómo la persona que yo conocía y amaba se perdió tan rápido. Hay muchas cosas en esta vida que no entiendo: la manera en que pasa el tiempo, pasándole por encima a la gente, es una de ellas. Juro que intento pero no logro comprender cómo puede ser que un amor tan profundo se convierta en un odio extremo como el que siento cada vez que te recuerdo. Mi estomago se retuerce al pronunciar tu nombre, el simple pensamiento de tu imagen me repugna. Te odio, te odio y mil veces más te odio. Aún así, más odio al tiempo que te cambió…o me cambió.
Siento que te perdí, y me duele, pero a veces siento que me saqué un peso de encima. Dejé atrás a una persona que me lastimaba, que me arrastraba día tras días y que lentamente me quitaba mi posibilidad de elegir lo que yo quería. Estaba ciega y, lamentablemente, hoy debo admitir que lo estuve durante mucho tiempo. Años al lado tuyo, lastimándome, lastimándote. Y esto lo digo ahora; años atrás, te hubiese dicho que estabas loca si me decías que hoy te iba a estar negando.
A veces duele, lo sé. Todavía me acuerdo de vos con una sonrisa amarga y dulce a la vez. Pienso en las risas, los buenos momentos, las salidas y los pensamientos delirantes a las dos de la mañana y considero que capaz no todo fue tan malo como hoy lo siento. Después me acuerdo de lo malo, del dolor, del daño que causaste en mí y en otros, y me alegro. Me alegro de haberte dejado atrás, de estar peleando día a día por olvidarte, por estar ganando la batalla constante. Me alegro de estar feliz, de la gente que me rodea en mi vida, de haber mejorado, de haberle ganado a los obstáculos.
Te gané, me gané, y eso es algo que no muchos pueden decir. Y ahora puedo decir con una gran sonrisa de oreja a oreja que estoy bien y en un buen lugar en la vida. Tres años, casi cuatro… ¿Qué tanta gente puede decir que ganó contra malos hábitos? ¿Qué tanta gente puede decir que le ganó a su conciencia?