I hate feeling guilty about being sick

It was midnight. The clock was striking twelve. He sat on the couch and watched the rain pour down as his mind wandered off. He felt numb: his hands were weak and his legs seemed incapable of holding his weight up if he chose to get up. The room smelled funny; a certain smell of wet paint or humidity sickened his stomach. He was trembling. His body begged for a drink, and all he could think of was a cold glass of whiskey on his right hand to make the pain go away. His breath was racing and his heart was nearly pounding out of his chest. The lights outside of his department were all that lit the house. Inside, not a single lamp was on as he sat in the darkness to contemplate his mess. He closed his eyes and clenched his fist, counted to ten and tried to make the nightmare go away. Nothing worked. By now, he longed for that mighty drink that could put him out. He wanted to be out, he needed it. He was too much of a coward to end his own life, but every fiber of his being begged him to do it. All his life, he had tried to do his best, and now he felt defeated. Suddenly, the phone rang: it was her. He gathered the courage and strength to pull himself up, and dragged his feet across the room. His legs quivered and his shoes awkwardly caressed the rug as he walked. He was there, in front of the phone. He let it ring once, twice, until it stopped. He wanted to hear her voice, but he knew that she would talk him out. Instead, he stared at the reflection in the mirror above the phone with disgust. He noticed the bags under his eyes and the spots all over his skin; he saw his cricked nose and his broken lips from the cold, and all he could think of was “what the hell happened to me?” A few minutes went by, and the empty shell that he had become felt useless to him. He staggered through the room to the kitchen and stood in front of the fridge. All the voices inside his head quickly started arguing about his next step. ‘Don’t do it’ one of them said, but he knew that he couldn’t prevent himself. His hand touched the iron handle and it felt like a cold breeze had come into his body. He felt fresh and alive. He opened the door and in there, he gazed at the bottle with a certain look of joy. He took it out, grabbed a drink and poured himself a cup. His lips were gently stroking the glass and, all of the sudden he felt he could breathe again. Still, the demons were there. Inside his mind, it was a battle and, to him, it was unknown who would win. The memories of the bad times and the bad dreams quickly flooded his mind. He was unease. His hands began shaking and his mind began to doubt. Quickly, he threw the glass away and, as it broke into little pieces, he felt a little bit of him broke along with it. His eyes were dewy and his cheeks were red. He felt his throat closing, keeping him from breathing well. The clock on the wall, above the door, was ticking. He felt that every time one of the hands moved, his end was closer. Once again, he closed his eyes, pressing his lids tightly together. Not a minute had gone by. He opened his eyes again and, this time, determinate about what he wanted to do, he strutted out the kitchen and into his room. He was there: in front of his closet, doors open. He reached out his hand and in the top shelf he could feel the suede cover of the box where he kept his father’s old gun, which was given to him the day that he died. He walked backwards to his bed and sat there, with the powdered gun on his left hand and his heart full of fear. He took the safety off and placed the gun to his temple, with one finger on the trigger. Silence filled the room. Suddenly, silence was interrupted by one violent thud as his soulless body fell to the floor. A gentle, cold breeze came rushing inside the room through the bullet’s hole in the window frame, and through there, his pain escaped.

Mid-terms suck! I want to stay in bed today but can't because in just an hour and a half, I'm supposed to sit for a mid-term for which I practically did no studying at all. But well, I did the same for my grammar exam yesterday and did pretty great, soooo....
Anyways, all I wanted to say is that mid-terms suck.

I just wanna crawl back to bed

Grrr I'm pissed! A mom just told me that I don't know how to handle her kid...but, look...if I catch your son with the scissors in his mouth, I think the one missing the ability to discipline the kid is not me. It totally ruined my afternoon! Good to know that in just a little while I'm meeting my aunt and cousin...that'll cheer me up.
Well...I'm leaving, all pissed up and cursing.

I miss writing :)

I found my high school diploma! Now I can apply for my new career.
Today was good...but I kinda miss my boyfriend because I haven't spoken much to him today. Well, actually, I haven't spoken to many people today at all...but his presence is the one I miss the most.
I found out something: drinking coffee in the morning helps a lot...and I don't know if it's psychological or what, but I'll stick to it because things are finally looking up.

Some scars never heal.

What if the person you'd die for is in front of you and unaware of the things you feel? What if you were dying inside, trying to come up with the best way to put those feelings into words, but nothing sounds right or the perfect moment never comes? That happens to me every time you're near. I look at you and I shiver inside. I see you and I notice a thousand little things that you tend to overlook, but which I find amazing: like the way your eyes shimmer when you're happy or the way you glow when you've just got good news. Or maybe the way you pull your hair back with just two fingers, gently taking it behind your ear. There are so many beautiful things about you, and some times it kills me that you don't even see one. I'd do anything to make you see the person I see every time I look at you. Then, and only then, you could see this bright, stunning brunette I see.

'Why won't you ask me what you're dying to know?'
'What?'
'You know what.'
'I fear too much the answer.'
'What if my answer isn't the one you're hoping to hear?'
'Then I'll be back tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, hoping that the answer will change.'
'Is that so?'
'Yeah.'
She walks away and looks back at him from the door, with the keys on her hands and a slight shimmer in her eyes.
'I don't do this for any girl, you know?'
'Do what?'
'Allow myself to fall.'
She smiles and he notices a little wrinkle on the top of her mouth and smiles back at her. 'I'll consider myself special, then. Good night.'
'Sleep tight.'

No les pasa que se encuentran a ustedes mismos cansados? Y no con ese tipo de cansancio que se va con una siesta o con una buena taza de café, sino con ese cansancio que pesa y te hace no querer moverte ni para ir a la cocina. Yo ultimamente me estoy dando cuenta que estoy asi: medio apatica de a ratos, medio antipatica, aburrida...como si la vida de alguna manera no cumpliera mis expectativas y mi reaccion fuera como cuando alguien trata a algo con disgusto. Es rarisimo, lo se...pero ultimamente no tengo ganas de hacer mucho... hay veces que ni bien me despierto ya pienso en el momento en que vuelva de la facultad o del trabajo y me pueda tirar de nuevo a dormir...o que no tengo ganas ni de pararme, mas bien de quedarme ahi con la frazada por encima de la cabeza y sin hablar con la gente. Lo peor es que uno podría pensar "uh, que triste...esta chica no tiene vida", pero no es asi...suena enfermo, y lo se, pero cuando me tiro en la cama pienso en las cosas y me imagino gente...(y si, que triste que me tenga que imaginar gente)...no es que estoy sola en mi cansancio. Y no es porque no quiera a la gente de mi vida...los quiero muchisimo...justo el otro dia tuve una noche genial con mis amigas y una noche super linda con mi novio...pero aun asi, cuando cierro los ojos y me quedo en mi cama, las cosas parecen mas faciles y mas a mi gusto...me imagino estudiando direccion o con mi pelicula terminada o a punto de estarlo...me imagino conocer gente nueva, amigos nuevos (ojo! no es que no quiera a los que ya tengo), no se...Supongo que a veces a la gente le pasa eso de meterse a uno mismo sin querer en periodos apaticos en los que quiere hacer nada...
Igual, lo que me pesa y duele mas es la facultad. Me acuerdo de los primeros meses del año, en los que ir a la UCA era un placer y me encantaba porque alla me divertia. Pero ahora estoy faltando un monton, y cuando no falto, no presto atencion o me quedo dormida alla. Mamá me dijo que tendría que dormir más teniendo en cuenta el ritmo de vida que estoy teniendo con la uca, el trabajo y mi vida social...y probablemente tenga la RE razon, lo se...pero igual, cuesta...cuesta balancear todo... y ya duermo bastante ahora, imaginate si durmiera "lo que corresponde". Siento que todas las cosas que hago no las tendría que hacer a veces...y despues pienso que capaz eso no es verdad, que simplemente es cuestion de que le ponga ganas y que lo haga con mejor cara (lo cual tambien es muy posible)...pero igual es dificil. Capaz si no hubiesemos tenido ese mes de vacaciones no estaría asi porque no habría perdido el ritmo, pero bueno. Capaz es cuestion de que me acostumbre de nuevo, o capaz es cuestion de que termine la suplencia y ver si eso es lo que me está consumiendo la energía. Vaya Dios a saber!

Por otro lado, en otro comentario re RANDOM...escuchar a mi hermana hablar del programa de radio en el que va a participar (95.5 FM, jueves de 16 a 17) me hizo acordar de cuando yo iba a tener mi programa por la internete, y me hizo querer hacerlo de nuevo. Capaz decir todas estas ganzadas con mi voz lo haria mas interesante...y sumarle musica y demas. Celosa, capaz jajajaj pero no es nada más eso.

En fin, me voy a jugar un cacho al restaurant city y vuelvo a mis delirios personales. Ultimamente he estado soñando despierta un monton sobre irme a NYC para hacer un posgrado o algo por el estilo. Au revoir.


PD: ya se, que raro que escribi en castellano...pero salió así.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and I did good on my midterm exam the other day and now I don't have to sit for this topic at the end of the year...so kudos for me :)

The other day I completely forgot about blogging about a new found memory of mine :)
Lately, I had been complaining on the fact that I couldn't come up with a nice memory from the year 2006 but the other day I could finally do it and it was great. It's not connected to anything sad or something like that...so it's great! The memory is about two of my friends' birthday party of that year...in which we went to a collective pillow fight and had a blast!
It may sound stupid getting so happy about finding one good memory, but in this case it's something amazing for me. Yeay me!
Oh, and btw, I'm also very exited because tomorrow I don't have to go to my university and I can finally sleep in without missing any classes. Yeay #2!


-I'm trying to think if there's anything else I can think of that I wanted to share- Oh! The other day my family came to my house to celebrate my sister's 21st birthday and it was very nice cause I got to catch up with my cousin (I had forgotten how good it was to talk to her). And today I went out with my sister to buy us some clothes, and we bought a couple of t shirts and a dress and we spent a lot of money I shouldn't have spent...but I had a good time, too.

Anyways...I'm heading to bed right now (I think). I wish all of you the best of the best!

I'm nervous because I'm not really nervous and I keep thinking I should be.

Se paró frente al espejo del pasillo y simplemente contempló su reflejo. Desde hacía años se había acostumbrado a ignorar sus pensamientos y actuar de acuerdo a lo que los otros veían en él. Esta vez era diferente; en su reflejo él por fin podía ver quién verdaderamente era. Más allá del convincente vendedor de seguros, capaz de venderle un seguro a alguien sin posesiones, se escondía el tímido chico que siempre había sido. Miraba su rostro y notaba las bolsas debajo de sus ojos, causadas por tantas largas horas de trabajo. Observaba cuidadosamente sus brazos y la manera en que todo su arduo entrenamiento en el gimnasio años atrás se había esfumado: ahora eran débiles y finos como cintas que caían de sus hombros. En su mente no lograba comprender cómo otros lo percibían diferente. Él sólo veía su pequeña cintura y sus ojos cansados, que de sólo mirarlos atentamente, cualquiera se podría dar cuenta de que escondían el dolor más fuerte que un hombre puede sentir. Su pelo nublaba la vista y lo único que él podía pensar era que hacía tiempo había estado posponiendo su visita a la peluquería, pero la demanda en la oficina aumentaba con los días, y el tiempo era escaso.
Se sentía débil y perdido, confundido. Con cada segundo que corría frente al espejo, encontraba un secreto que él mismo había olvidado que ocultaba. A la vez, se preguntaba qué habría pasado con aquel chico fuerte que solía ser y con sus convicciones morales que siempre predicaba. Ahora simplemente era un caparazón sin esencia en su interior. Sin duda los años habían pasado y hecho estragos con su cuerpo y con su espíritu. Tenía tan sólo veintitrés años y se sentía tan frágil como un anciano. Lamentaba su vida y odiaba el haberse rendido ante ella. Se preguntaba a él mismo cuándo había dejado de luchar para mantener su vida bajo control. Ahora era un robot, simplemente un empleado más, ocultando sus penas y dolores tras un triste y viejo traje azul marino y disimulando el deterioro de su cuerpo tras las ropas que elegía.

Mind manipulation.

Sometimes, I would punch him hard enough to put him down. SOB

Life is a funny thing. Y'all must be already bored out of your minds of me talking about this if you took the time to read my past posts, but every time I wrote it, something important came to mind and it still happens. Today, my big sister turns 21. I'm happy for her. She's old enough to do whatever she wants, she's at the age that many call the prime of your life...but it just dawn on me that it happened so fast. This is not a comment that would usually come out of an annoying aunt's mouth, talking about who fast the little girl grew...it is simple a statement of the truth.
My thought isn't only based on my sister...it's on everybody else as well. It's not going to take long for me to get to that age...it's not going to take long to get there to my friends...and it's not going to take long to get to that age to my nieces. I swear to God, that last one is what troubles me the most: they are so cute and small -and bony in the case of Marti- and, sometimes, when I start thinking about them but older, it's really weird. Marti is just nine, and it's only a few years until she turns 15...and I can already see her wanting a big party and all that stuff. It's shocking to think that if she throws one and I attend, I will be in my late twenties.
Sometimes I feel like I haven't played my cards properly, like I could've done so much more than what I did. I feel like I have wasted my time most of the times...I recognize the good things but still...I wonder about all the times I said to myself "carpe diem, my friend" and I question myself whether I payed attention to that or not. Sometimes, I can't help but to answer myself "you haven't".
Don't mistake my words and think I am not happy with my life. I'm so ecstatic about it and I love pretty much every minute of it...but I wonder what could've been if I had change my sad face for a happy smile back in the days where I felt everything was dark. Something tells me that that year would've been incredible for me.
Oh, well...That's that. I'm done thinking "what if"s and silly thoughts about time. I guess the more time I spend thinking about it, the less time I spend actually living it and enjoying it.
Happy birthday, sis! Sometimes, we are blessed to have you...(and sometimes, you act like a grinch and it is not so much a blessing but a curse...but it's okay)

Why is it never enough? Thinner, taller, wiser, happier, smarter, prettier...why are all my wishes like that? Why can't I settle? Why am I looking for more all the time? Every time I look at myself, I see flaws. Why can't I appreciate what's not wrong? I'm sure there must be something. Why do I want more?

Nothing like the end of a working week, right?